apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
