I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
