cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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