Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
