I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
