Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
