I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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