Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
