peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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