i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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