OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
