Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
even my farts smell like vagina
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
