I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
