I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
