He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
