Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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