I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
