I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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