How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
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He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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