He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
