I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
