ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
