At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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