I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
