i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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