You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
