youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
