Umm I'm too high to move.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
