Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
