just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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