You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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