Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
