Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
