i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
