We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
