She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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