I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My liver is preforming stress tests.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
