I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
