I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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