Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
