you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I know her cup size but not her name....
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