I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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