Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
