I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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