I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
