everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
