I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
