the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
