And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
