My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
