Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
