I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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